The little blue crate in my basement.

Today as I completed my weekend to-do list I found myself trapped in the basement next the crate with things I kept for my baby. Every time I go to the basement to do laundry or place unneeded things in storage I glance at the blue crate which always makes my heart sink.

Today was different.. As I took a deep breath I opened the crate revealing things that were purchased at a time when my heart was filled with so much hope and joy. Now when I look at those things I feel pain and thoughts of what could have been or images of what my son would have looked like in the super cute 101 Dalmatians onesie and matching hat with ears or me and his dad reading one of the books I purchased to start his collection. I thought to myself that although it's been hard for me to let go of these things I HAVE TO. I realised that I was keeping these things because I felt as though I would lose what little I have that proves that my baby existed. I still can't believe that what was suppose to be a happy time turned into a nightmare. But even though there was a change in events I still see my baby as the greatest gift I could have ever received. What's most important is that I continue to keep his memory alive. Although he was on this earth for a extremely short period time he is still apart of my life and I am still his mother and that will never change. I don't  need things to remind me of him... I have kept some things that were made specifically made for him one of which is a blanket that was made by my grandmother who passed shortly after him that summer.. I also have a few stuffed animals that serve as a comfort measure for those rough nights. I have a few photos and of course his tiny urn. But most importantly I still feel him, I can still picture his face. I still have phantom kicks. I could still feel his little fingers and his little nose. 

Some think I'm not moving forward. What mother could possibly just move forward as if her child never existed. In fact I am still going and moving and existing. No one has a right to say that I'm not progressing. Especially those who have not walked in my shoes. The hardest part of grieving is getting others to understand that it isn't necessary to constantly try to reverse the affects of what happened. I am not the same and will never be. 

I know I'm not crazy but...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Not just your typical thoughts about a career, house, dream care but specifics. I wish my time was now to have another baby but I have to be smart. It's depressing to want something more than the air I breathe and have to be patient. But anyway... I have a lot planned out down to the color scheme, baby shower,  baby swim classes, newborn photos, CAR SEAT! I want so badly to have the life I dream off. It's been off but I am still grateful for so many opportunities. I still question however but I know I shouldn't. I question, why me? Why did I have to lose a child when there's so many unfit parents out there that are able to mass reproduce. Why do I have to feel this pain 24/7. I pray that God is preparing me for something great but I don't know what could be greater than having my baby boy would have been. But I will continue to wait and practice patience... what more can I do...

Why can't I shake it!?

I wish I could release this erie feeling I have. ALL day I've been feeling like I'm choking and I can't catch my breath and the tears keep randomly falling. I'm trying so hard to keep my pain to myself and hidden but I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything that I see EVERDAY is a reminder. My silent apartment, no baby clothes to wash, no bottles to clean, no diapers to change, no sounds of little feet stumbling around. I should have a one year old to run after. Why out of all the horrible people in this shitty world did I have to go through this. Why can people who can't even take care of one child mass reproduce with no problems without thinking. Why do I have to jump through hoops to even get to the point where I could try again?? I try not to question things but right now I'm feeling really clueless!!!

Selfie #1: Anger & Finding Myself.

First and foremost I titles this "#1 Selfie" b/c it's an awesome title and also when people take pictures of themselves aka SELFIES they get to reflect and look at themselves. So my selfie posts will be just that! I will look back on myself and reflect on my emotions and lessons that I've learned about myself, the world or other people. It feels so good to just type and get everything out of my system without my hand cramping from holding a pen. And this blog is basically my private journal anyway because no one reads it.

Sweet Jesus! I have so many things running through my mind constantly. I'm feeling really mentally and physically exhausted. It seems like people reveal their true feelings about you when anger is involved. Apparently, I'm not a very "likeable" person, I always have something to say and I play the victim role. These things may be true but I think their is a little "victim" in everyone. Life fucking sucks sometimes really bad! And it shows in the faces and actions of EVERYONE. That's just the way it is. I think that there is no such thing as completely finding oneself. I feel that life is a constant journey and through everything we go through we find a different part of us that we didn't know existed.

I missed work and school yesterday... I really didn't get any sleep the night prior. I needed that day to figure everything out. I've learned that the person that I am may never be accepted but that's okay. I'm exhausted with trying to be accepted and be myself. I've also learned that my opinion is not wanted or appreciated and in reality when it comes down to importance I'll will always be disposable to the people in my life. (Oh shoot, I sound like a victim). But moral of the story is I'm NEVER commenting on anything again and If someone is being offensive towards me or people I care about I'm going to turn the other cheek.

Aside from that I need to work on softening my heart. I need to work on how I carry myself and how I come across to people. I don't know when I became so mean but I feel it and it hurts. Even when I tell myself I need to be nicer and even when I try I still feel mean. People irritate me, EVERYTHING irritates me. Even if it's not all my fault I need to work on how I react to things. Even ignorance, it's not worth the headache.

NO ONE HAS THE POWER.. drafted 7/6

I think when dealing with people that we care for like family or friends we tend to make them responsible. Responsible for giving us love, responsible for showing us our worth. For the past few years I've been working on being content and happy with who I am as a person.

Usually people are hurt and confused when feeling left now.. I was one of those people trying to figure out why I wasn't being included. Now that I've been more self-sufficient I could care less who invites me, contacts me, etc. I'm not fool to decite, I just don't give people the power to be deceitful towards me. I stopped giving people the power to define me and appraise me. With that said I could be a fish in a room with 10 sharks and not be moved. One of my most favorite Maya Angelou quotes is, "I shall not be moved." You have the ability to take away the power someone has over your life. The only person that should have power over your life is God!

RANDOM thoughts from 6/23.

Tears are apart of my daily life now, and that's ok. They remind me that I'm human which means I'm allowed to fail sometimes. I spend so much time trying to reach my peak and be the ultimate version of me. I forget that trees don't grow to their final stage over night and that every thing takes time. I'm always trying to be superwoman and save the world but I need to stay focused on saving MYSELF.

My friend told me today in so many words that I'm not happy because I never think I'm good enough. I'm grateful for her honesty and support. She's right! I've never ever felt good enough.

JUST A THOUGHT.

I know that I have so many faults. And as time goes on I hope to get better at being the best version of me. I have no intentions on being perfect but I want to try my best to be the perfect me. I'm realizing that I want so badly to wake the world up. I want the world to know what I have learned in such a short period of time. Although I am still ungrateful at times and I realize that I need to snap myself back into reality and realize how blessed I am to have a life alone and to not be burdened with some of the illnesses and disabilities and other things that so many people have to live with every day. Since my son passed away I've learned that so many things that we get stressed out about and upset about doesn't even matter. I've learned that it is possible to find joy through the pain and it is okay to have bad days. I've learned that people won't always do or say exactly what you want them to do or say but its not anyone else's responsibility to be exactly what you need. I hope to one day find in myself would I need and not rely on anyone else but God to provide what I need. I've learned that no one in life of you anything and even when you're in your darkest days and your saddest period of time people will not come through for you. It doesn't mean that people don't like you or care for you it just means that human beings are selfish.

Human beings are selfish in a sense that mostly everyone always thinks of what they're going through before what anyone else is going through. Which is completely natural. We can all be sympathetic to everyone situation but we will never understand completely and empathize with a person going through a tough situation that we've never experienced.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I've been wanting so badly to make other people see the blessings that are right in front of them. I've been trying to make parents see how blessed they are for having their children even know they're tired and they have to make sacrifices for them and I try to explain how many people would love to be in their shoes that can't be blessed with children or lose their children. I try to make people see how many ways they are blessed.

I can't keep doing that I can't keep that type of mentality because if I keep that type of mentality I'm going to keep myself upset and angry at other people for being humans. If I can make the world a better place by being the best version of me then my job is done. And I will continue to fight to overcome everything that comes my way because I'm not just doing it for me anymore. I'm doing it for my son I want him to be proud of me. I know that the Bible says that once people go to heaven they don't think about anything they leave behind but I know in my heart that my son sends me signs so let me know that everything will be ok. And I'm going to keep that thought because it helps me. It helps me remember to slow down and stop being so hard on myself that things will happen in due time and one day everything will be ok. It also reminds me to pay attention that sometimes the answer that I'm seeking are right in front of me and if I stay still long enough I'll know exactly what I need to do.

I often forget to say it most of the time I'm so caught up thinking about everything that I need to do and where I wanna be in my life and what I need to do to get there that I forget to thank him. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for bringing me this far even though things have happened in my life that I will never understand in at one point I was angry with you and I questioned you I still must say thank you because even though the worst day of my life haunts me everyday you gave me a reason to keep going.