Update: January 8th-26th

So. A recap of the 7th since I last posted to now it a little scrambled. I decided to stop the cleanse. I felt it was to much of a dramatic change for me in my mind set. I decided to continue eating healthy but without all the rules! I hate rules! It was too stressful.

I also started the spring semester at school. I'm basically teaching myself in my A&P class because my teacher is foreign and the language barrier is huge!

And... finally I've been planning my birthday party which will be on February 1st. My actually birthday is tomorrow (January 27th. I'll be 24 years old!  It's hard to believe that last year this time I was finding out that I was pregnant with my son. Boy do I miss my angel !

Silence ...

As I sit lonely in my home I try to keep tears that are swelling in my eyes from falling but it's impossible. I feel so empty and I don't want to. But my heart is broken and sometimes I don't even know how I can go on. The silence scares me...

"Oh, your uncomfortable!?"

This post may be,"chopped and screwed," when it comes for grammar but I don't care. I am incredibly frustrated. People are extremely selfish and I understand that the human race is a selfish one. When I get upset I have no one to talk to. Scratch that! I do have the Lord. I need to start trusting in Him lately that he will see me through anything that comes my way. But the flash in me has feelings. I get so extremely frustrated when I hear," I am here for you when you need me." but when I call that person that claims they have my back they're always busy and can't spare a few moments to comfort me. That's selfish. When I tell someone that I am there for then that means that any personal preference that I have any emotion and feeling come last. If I claim to be there for someone I am available when I'm needed with no excuse. But I don't get the same in return. I told myself not to care but its obvious that I care because I hurt so much because of it. I don't expect anyone to stop living their lives because my son is gone. But I expect the People that play a significant role in my life and would have played a significant role in my son's life to have a heart and stop treating my child like he never existed. It just really hurts me how I've always felt alone and I always felt like I never fit in in any parts of my family and even after I've gone through a heartbreaking loss I am so alone. I know that my siblings love me and they are the only ones that I know for sure cares about me. But everyone else I have to question. Mentally I've gone through so much with my family and with myself. I just need to finally realize that the road I walk I walk alone. I need to learn support myself out of sorrow to keep moving and living not for anyone else but in honor of my son and my God. 

The reason for this scatter brained post is because someone told me that people may feel "UNCOMFORTABL!" saying things to me especially people who have kids. Are you serious? How about how uncomfortable I feel everytime I have to sit and listen to people complain about all the things that they have to do for their children and then that they can't do because they have children and I can talk about my said or was shut the whole room much because people are too damn I'm comfortable for you know what I don't give a damn if people are uncomfortable people don't give a damn about how uncomfortable I feel everyday of my damn life. Talk about being uncomfortable! This is the selfish mentality that I'm talking about people are so selfish! I cannot believe the audacity of some. And I'm not the type of person to say I never want to hear about your children because my mom passed away why would I do that to someone is my coworkers are talking about their children I don't say anything I'm not going to be rude to them because I'm going through something so why should people feel uncomfortable or be rude to me because I want to talk about my son that's not right and that's not fair. So instead of saying people uncomfortable because of the situation well think about how I feel! I'm the one that has to live with the pain everyday.

I'm to the point that I feel like cutting people completely off if you don't want to hear about my son and  I never going to talk to you again. Because he was and always will be the most important person to me. And just because his life is short doesn't mean he doesn't live with me forever. He saved my life more ways than one and for that I am forever grateful to him. No one could begin to imagine every single emotion involved and I don't expect anyone to I just expect people to respect the fact that I want to keep my spirit alive and I don't want to pretend like he never existed because he's not here now.

Just think if someone's mother passed away does that mean they never had a mother? Or someone's grandmother passed away that means their grandmother never existed?

Trying times....

I feel like I'm always being tested..... The Lord is really trying to make me see that he is the only one that really has my back and knows what I need.... He's also testing my faith in him .. He wants me to 100% believe that he will bring me out of any storm. I believe in God and I pray to him (not as often as I should).. I let the flesh in me dictate my reaction instead of praying for guidance ... 

I've been giving way to much power over my life to others. Whether it's my boyfriend, friend or family I let people tell me what to do, how to feel, what I should feel and I've had enough. No one knows my heart but The Lord, not even me! I say that because many times I feel LOST! I can't get my thoughts or emotions together to figure out anything. I know EXACTLY what I want in life.. I want a family of my own, success, respect, a happy marriage or atleast one with great communication to talk through any issues... I want your typical fairy tale house with a white picket fence. But as we all know sometimes you have to go through the nightmare to get the fairy tale ending you know you deserve....

Sometimes I feel like checking out.....

I often ask myself, "WHY?" Why me? Why is it always a constant battle? Why couldn't I have my baby? I would have been a great mother.... Why do people treat me the way they do? I'm not a bad person. But like I said in the beginning The Lord is testing me! I've been going through the most but still I believe in fighting! I'm a fighter !!! I'm a survivor!!!

Update 2: stress and anxiety!

      So lately I've been a little worried. I've been having some pain in the area of my ovaries. I try to "give it to God", but I am still human with human emotions.

      I've also had bronchitis for the past few weeks. This cough is so ridiculous, last night I felt dizzy and had a pounding headache.

     I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed... Between school and my health I feel like I'm losing control and falling behind. My insurance ends at the end of the month and trying to get new insurance is a hassle..... I just feel like there's such a weight on my shoulders... Like everything is happening at once.... 

     Yesterday I caught myself repeating, "lord, give me the strength".. As I walked from class.

     I just have to keep reminding myself why I'm doing what I'm doing....

Update 1: Life After Infant Loss. Sticking to my Goals.

I haven't blogged in a while.... I've been trying to stay focused on getting my life back on track.

I've been having relationship issues...

I've been "dealing" with my loss and trying to cope...

There is good news though...

Because I found out I was pregnant I made the decision to look into going back to school....

Since having and losing Adrian I've been motivated to do exactly what I set out to do....

I registered for (4) classes to start... 

I hope to be in the nursing program as soon as I'm finished taking all the "other courses".. By the grace of God I received enough $$ in loans to pay for my classes and get all the supplies I need...

I also joined a church....

I consider it a family church because the Pastor was my Great-Grandmothers pastor for what seemed like forever....I've made the decision to be the best I can be for me and my future.... I want to be satisfied with myself. I no longer give responsibility to anyone else for my happiness!

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