CAN'T SLEEP.

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I feel so helpless and hopeless. I visioned my life being so much different right now. It's my fault for thinking fairytales were real and after all your pain you get your happy life and white picket fence. I know my story isn't over but sometimes I get so tired of rewriting each chapter. Planning for happiness and comfort that may never come and BOOM a hurricane called life comes swooping in and it's back to the drawing boards. It feels like the jokes are always on me. My pain is entertainment to some people. It's amusing to see me cry. I'm ready to be able to breathe again but as soon as I think things could get on track here comes another storm to knock me off track. I always wanted to be a mother.. I wanted to be the type to make memories with their kids and be a role model and provider but the more I work towards my dream the harder it becomes. I'm just physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

Note to SELF!

I think I will start writing as if I'm talking to myself. Not to sound crazy or anything but I just dont think anyone really reads my blog. I forget that I have a blog sometimes.. Today a great new friend reminded by mentioning that she should start a blog. I hope she does because she has some good tips for living a healthier lifestyle. Anywho... here it goes.

Self, get it together! It's okay if people don't understand you or value what you can bring to the table. You need to start being proud of the things you've accomplished and stop thinking you aren't worth. I know because of past experiences it's so easy to be down on yourself but realize that your better than you think.. Stop trying to please anyone but yourself.. It's impossible and you'll drive yourself insane trying!

And girl you know you did not need 3 slices of pizza. You need to gain more control. Your future depends on the choices you make now. You can do it. Remember what you say, "If there's a will, there's a way!"

<3 Janaya

Lost..

Sometimes I feel so lost that I want to cry. I feel like there's nothing for me here. I think about how busy my life would be if I had my son here. It's sad because I wanted that busyness so bad. I wanted to spend every waking moment being his mom and raising him and just enjoying having him. Now I just don't want what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I'm in school right now but there's so much more that's missing. I know nothing can fill that void from losing my baby but I hope God brings something in my life worth being excited for.

What will my HEAVEN be like...

I try to imagine what it would be like once I reach Heaven.  I imagine my baby boy running to greet me as soon as I'm finished speaking with God. I imagine him grabbing my hand and leading me to where my Great - Grandma is. As we approach her I see her listening to some good gospel as her leg bounces up and down and her hand slaps against her thigh to the rhythm of the song.  Her arthritis is GONE,  her heart & lungs are healthy and all of her other earthly illnesses are of the past.  She looks up to see me standing there and jumps up for a huge hug. A hug that's I've been longing for since she left the earth in 2002. Then she says,  "Adrian take your mom to see your Pap Pap I'll be right here when y'all get back. " So Adrian says,  "Come on Mommy," -- words that I've been longing to hear,  "Pap Pap ' s over here looking down on the Steelers game, their down by a few points so he's telling them off." I follow Adrian to my Pap Pap and he doesn't notice me until they call a time out. As he looks up his eyes catch mine,  "Bum Bum," he yells as he stands up. I rush to him and hug him so tight and tell him how crazy it was when he left us and how I knew he was upset to see how our family had been acting and wishing everyone could hear him telling them off. I finish peeking down at the game with my Pap Pap as Adrian sits in my lap. I hear a voice from behind calling my name, BRIAN! My sweet God-brother. Boy did I miss him.  When he left us in 2003 I thought 14 is wayyyyyyy to young to die and I've never seen anyone die so soon not knowing what my own future would reveal in 2013.  We talk and catch up.  I told him how I felt a little comfort knowing that Adrian had a AWESOME uncle in heaven to look after him.

After speaking with Brian, Adrian and I went back to see my Nannie. She was sitting with my Aunt who would looked after me when I was a baby... She was making Adrian some new clothes. When I was a baby she would make EVERYTHING for me by hand!!

Then I finally had time alone with Adrian.  He told me that he watched me as I cried for him and he reached out to hold my hand but I couldn't feel him because I was so upset.  He asked me if I noticed the star to the left of my house that sparkled brighter than all the rest.  He said that it was him making that star sparkle to let me know he's still with me.  He told me how proud he was of me for accomplishing my goals and even though I hit some snags along the way he knew I could do anything I put my mind to. As I started to speak he put his little finger over my lips and said,  "I know Mommy, I love you too!" At that point that hole that had been in my heart since April 21, 2013 had been filled and I could breathe again.

I don't know who will beat me home to Heaven or who will be still on Earth waiting for that ride but I know that the reunion will be beautiful when that time comes. When it's my time I'll be excited to see Heaven and all who has left the earth before me.

Update: January 8th-26th

So. A recap of the 7th since I last posted to now it a little scrambled. I decided to stop the cleanse. I felt it was to much of a dramatic change for me in my mind set. I decided to continue eating healthy but without all the rules! I hate rules! It was too stressful.

I also started the spring semester at school. I'm basically teaching myself in my A&P class because my teacher is foreign and the language barrier is huge!

And... finally I've been planning my birthday party which will be on February 1st. My actually birthday is tomorrow (January 27th. I'll be 24 years old!  It's hard to believe that last year this time I was finding out that I was pregnant with my son. Boy do I miss my angel !

Silence ...

As I sit lonely in my home I try to keep tears that are swelling in my eyes from falling but it's impossible. I feel so empty and I don't want to. But my heart is broken and sometimes I don't even know how I can go on. The silence scares me...

"Oh, your uncomfortable!?"

This post may be,"chopped and screwed," when it comes for grammar but I don't care. I am incredibly frustrated. People are extremely selfish and I understand that the human race is a selfish one. When I get upset I have no one to talk to. Scratch that! I do have the Lord. I need to start trusting in Him lately that he will see me through anything that comes my way. But the flash in me has feelings. I get so extremely frustrated when I hear," I am here for you when you need me." but when I call that person that claims they have my back they're always busy and can't spare a few moments to comfort me. That's selfish. When I tell someone that I am there for then that means that any personal preference that I have any emotion and feeling come last. If I claim to be there for someone I am available when I'm needed with no excuse. But I don't get the same in return. I told myself not to care but its obvious that I care because I hurt so much because of it. I don't expect anyone to stop living their lives because my son is gone. But I expect the People that play a significant role in my life and would have played a significant role in my son's life to have a heart and stop treating my child like he never existed. It just really hurts me how I've always felt alone and I always felt like I never fit in in any parts of my family and even after I've gone through a heartbreaking loss I am so alone. I know that my siblings love me and they are the only ones that I know for sure cares about me. But everyone else I have to question. Mentally I've gone through so much with my family and with myself. I just need to finally realize that the road I walk I walk alone. I need to learn support myself out of sorrow to keep moving and living not for anyone else but in honor of my son and my God. 

The reason for this scatter brained post is because someone told me that people may feel "UNCOMFORTABL!" saying things to me especially people who have kids. Are you serious? How about how uncomfortable I feel everytime I have to sit and listen to people complain about all the things that they have to do for their children and then that they can't do because they have children and I can talk about my said or was shut the whole room much because people are too damn I'm comfortable for you know what I don't give a damn if people are uncomfortable people don't give a damn about how uncomfortable I feel everyday of my damn life. Talk about being uncomfortable! This is the selfish mentality that I'm talking about people are so selfish! I cannot believe the audacity of some. And I'm not the type of person to say I never want to hear about your children because my mom passed away why would I do that to someone is my coworkers are talking about their children I don't say anything I'm not going to be rude to them because I'm going through something so why should people feel uncomfortable or be rude to me because I want to talk about my son that's not right and that's not fair. So instead of saying people uncomfortable because of the situation well think about how I feel! I'm the one that has to live with the pain everyday.

I'm to the point that I feel like cutting people completely off if you don't want to hear about my son and  I never going to talk to you again. Because he was and always will be the most important person to me. And just because his life is short doesn't mean he doesn't live with me forever. He saved my life more ways than one and for that I am forever grateful to him. No one could begin to imagine every single emotion involved and I don't expect anyone to I just expect people to respect the fact that I want to keep my spirit alive and I don't want to pretend like he never existed because he's not here now.

Just think if someone's mother passed away does that mean they never had a mother? Or someone's grandmother passed away that means their grandmother never existed?