Silence ...

As I sit lonely in my home I try to keep tears that are swelling in my eyes from falling but it's impossible. I feel so empty and I don't want to. But my heart is broken and sometimes I don't even know how I can go on. The silence scares me...

"Oh, your uncomfortable!?"

This post may be,"chopped and screwed," when it comes for grammar but I don't care. I am incredibly frustrated. People are extremely selfish and I understand that the human race is a selfish one. When I get upset I have no one to talk to. Scratch that! I do have the Lord. I need to start trusting in Him lately that he will see me through anything that comes my way. But the flash in me has feelings. I get so extremely frustrated when I hear," I am here for you when you need me." but when I call that person that claims they have my back they're always busy and can't spare a few moments to comfort me. That's selfish. When I tell someone that I am there for then that means that any personal preference that I have any emotion and feeling come last. If I claim to be there for someone I am available when I'm needed with no excuse. But I don't get the same in return. I told myself not to care but its obvious that I care because I hurt so much because of it. I don't expect anyone to stop living their lives because my son is gone. But I expect the People that play a significant role in my life and would have played a significant role in my son's life to have a heart and stop treating my child like he never existed. It just really hurts me how I've always felt alone and I always felt like I never fit in in any parts of my family and even after I've gone through a heartbreaking loss I am so alone. I know that my siblings love me and they are the only ones that I know for sure cares about me. But everyone else I have to question. Mentally I've gone through so much with my family and with myself. I just need to finally realize that the road I walk I walk alone. I need to learn support myself out of sorrow to keep moving and living not for anyone else but in honor of my son and my God. 

The reason for this scatter brained post is because someone told me that people may feel "UNCOMFORTABL!" saying things to me especially people who have kids. Are you serious? How about how uncomfortable I feel everytime I have to sit and listen to people complain about all the things that they have to do for their children and then that they can't do because they have children and I can talk about my said or was shut the whole room much because people are too damn I'm comfortable for you know what I don't give a damn if people are uncomfortable people don't give a damn about how uncomfortable I feel everyday of my damn life. Talk about being uncomfortable! This is the selfish mentality that I'm talking about people are so selfish! I cannot believe the audacity of some. And I'm not the type of person to say I never want to hear about your children because my mom passed away why would I do that to someone is my coworkers are talking about their children I don't say anything I'm not going to be rude to them because I'm going through something so why should people feel uncomfortable or be rude to me because I want to talk about my son that's not right and that's not fair. So instead of saying people uncomfortable because of the situation well think about how I feel! I'm the one that has to live with the pain everyday.

I'm to the point that I feel like cutting people completely off if you don't want to hear about my son and  I never going to talk to you again. Because he was and always will be the most important person to me. And just because his life is short doesn't mean he doesn't live with me forever. He saved my life more ways than one and for that I am forever grateful to him. No one could begin to imagine every single emotion involved and I don't expect anyone to I just expect people to respect the fact that I want to keep my spirit alive and I don't want to pretend like he never existed because he's not here now.

Just think if someone's mother passed away does that mean they never had a mother? Or someone's grandmother passed away that means their grandmother never existed?