I'm breaking down..

I feel extremely stuck and helpless!
Everyone keeps telling me what I "need" to do and how I "should" think of the situation but its easier said than done. I can't focus....

I feel like a elephant is sitting on my chest and I breathe. I feel like I'm being held under water with no strength to fight my way out! I'm afraid... I want control over my mind again... But how? I feel like screaming and starting a riot! Lord, please help me! Please give me the strength to get through this!!!!

I never understood why people would take the easy way out and take their own lives. Knowing what I know about spending eternity in hell I wondered why people would chose that for themselves. But after this situation and all the emotions that I hold inside I want to explode! I honesty don't know what to do . So honesty I can say I understand why! When your heart is breaking and crushed and your world doesn't make sense and you have no control of your emotions and don't understand half the time how you feel and how to deal with it all you don't think of eternity. You think of not suffering from what you feel now!

Bad Nights... GO Away!

These past few nights haven't been okay. Tuesday, May 21st there was a bad apartment building fire directly across the street from my duplex..

My boyfriend and I sat in the living room watching movies and started to smell burning. I thought someone maybe had the grill fired up cooking. I looked out of the window and the street was painted with multiple fire trucks, ambulance an police. I stepped on to the porch and saw a big black cloud of smoke and on my left side I could see a window full of flames. People stood on the side walks in tears.

I went back in the house and periodically I'd look out of the window and each time the fire had spread more. The firemen couldn't control it enough to get into the building until after midnight. I heard a girl screaming crying yelling, "what the f***!" She lost her cat and dog. If your a pet owner you understand that pets are just as much as family as a brother or sister.

All the people were out of the building but the animals passed away. I couldn't get the image out of my head.. I feel so hurt for these people who lost everything. I didn't sleep that night...

Last night was really bad for me. I couldn't help but breakdown. I feel like because its been a month since losing my baby people think I should be okay but I'm not. I have my nights where I just can't deal and honestly I can't begin to describe my feelings but I don't even know.... I hurt so badly....

"Signs From Above"

As crazy as it may sound I believe that if you sit still and quiet enough you'll see a sign that will help bring peace. I believe that there are signs everywhere.

People may say science but as I sit on the porch, candle lit, speaking to God and my son I notice one star in particular that is shining wayyyyy brighter than the others. I tell my son everyday that I love him. This particular night after praying and telling my baby that I love him this star caught my eye and I BELIEVE that it's him saying, "Mommy, I love you too."

As I said before as crazy as it may sound it brings me peace to believe that signs do come from above. Especially when you feel your weakest.

Now I cry.... Not only because I miss him but because I noticed that star I BELIEVE my baby is telling me he's here.

Mother's Day!

I've been dreading May 12, 2013. I'm so sick of all the Mother's Day promotions and commercials. I pray for patience. I feel bad because after asking my Mother is she wanted to do something special she said she wasn't in the spirit of Mother's Day after losing Adrian (her grandson).
We did decide to go to brunch. Hopefully that will be a fun time.

I came home from work yesterday and m boyfriend surprised me with early Mother's Day gifts. I walked in to beautiful pink roses and a teddy bear with angel wings. He also got me a little boy April birthstone charm to add to my necklace of a heart with some of my baby's ashes and a lush product.

He really did a good job knowing that Sunday may be hard for me and the previous night was a rough one. I cried so hard to the point that I needed to use my inhaler twice and take a Xanax to get some sleep. He just held me and wiped my tears.

I really appreciate him for who he is.

I'm going to tell the truth..

When people ask how I'm feeling I'm not going to pretend like I'm okay if I'm not. I'm not going to "pretend" to be stronger than what I'm feeling at that point of time. I feel like I will NEVER heal. How do you completely heal from losing a child....

All I can do is ask God for the strength and patience I need to keep moving and live without my baby.

Starting new.. Making short term goals!

So in less than two weeks we'll be moving into our new apartment. Hopefully our last apartment before we buy a house. I'm excited for this move.. It's time for something new and to start over and leave the negativity at the old place.

I told myself I would start setting small goals..

Goal #1: move (check)

Goal #2: make it my own, I love decorating so this is exciting!

Goal #3: get healthy! I've cut out pop completely, working on the rest! Water and cranberry juice for me! I also want to get some good vitamins...

I think I can handle those two things to start.. I've also told myself that I need to "restore my faith".... I feel like the Devil is trying to control my life and I won't let him... I want to be the person that gives everything to God even the good. But he is still working on me and I am open for change!

Although this situation is heartbreaking and extremely hard for me God has never failed me now and I know he'll get me through. Although I believe in that I have my days when I still ask "why me"!? Waiting for him to give me a sign that will make it all make sense. But I don't think it ever will.

Taking everything day by day.....

I'm proud of myself.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to the funeral home to pick up our baby.
We were told that's he'd be ready to come home between 8:30a-4:30p. When we got there there was a viewing that just started and it was packed with so many people.

I thought I would break down after seeing his urn and my necklace but I didn't. That's why I say I'm proud of myself. I left that funeral home hugging the bag that had his tiny urn and my necklace boxed in it as if it was him in my arms. I didn't break, I didn't shed a tear. I felt peace in a way ... My son was finally coming home with his parents..

Back To Reality..

Today I returned to work.....

I've been dreading coming back because I didn't want anyone to act different towards me or feel like they have to be really sensitive with me. I want to talk about my son. I don't want anyone to ever act as if he didn't exist. I find comfort in talking about it because when I hold it in a feel like I'm going to explode.

I'm glad that everyone is showing empathy....

Another coworker told me of her past experience. It's amazing how so many women suffer in silence and you don't hear about pregnancy or infant loss a lot.

I know when I got pregnant I didn't think that something like this would happen to me. I didn't know what to look for and what was normal or not. My doctors didn't do a great job at explaining that to me.

I started doing my own research so that with my next pregnancy I know what I need to keep an eye out for... And I won't settle for anything.... If I have a twitch I'm going in to be checked and I don't want a quick check I want an extensive check.

I'm somewhat optimistic although scared for next time. I feel like I need to restore my faith and give all credit to God. I out too much faith in man and sometimes man will let you down! I won't give up!