I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Not just your typical thoughts about a career, house, dream care but specifics. I wish my time was now to have another baby but I have to be smart. It's depressing to want something more than the air I breathe and have to be patient. But anyway... I have a lot planned out down to the color scheme, baby shower, baby swim classes, newborn photos, CAR SEAT! I want so badly to have the life I dream off. It's been off but I am still grateful for so many opportunities. I still question however but I know I shouldn't. I question, why me? Why did I have to lose a child when there's so many unfit parents out there that are able to mass reproduce. Why do I have to feel this pain 24/7. I pray that God is preparing me for something great but I don't know what could be greater than having my baby boy would have been. But I will continue to wait and practice patience... what more can I do...
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Why can't I shake it!?
I wish I could release this erie feeling I have. ALL day I've been feeling like I'm choking and I can't catch my breath and the tears keep randomly falling. I'm trying so hard to keep my pain to myself and hidden but I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything that I see EVERDAY is a reminder. My silent apartment, no baby clothes to wash, no bottles to clean, no diapers to change, no sounds of little feet stumbling around. I should have a one year old to run after. Why out of all the horrible people in this shitty world did I have to go through this. Why can people who can't even take care of one child mass reproduce with no problems without thinking. Why do I have to jump through hoops to even get to the point where I could try again?? I try not to question things but right now I'm feeling really clueless!!!