Lost..

Sometimes I feel so lost that I want to cry. I feel like there's nothing for me here. I think about how busy my life would be if I had my son here. It's sad because I wanted that busyness so bad. I wanted to spend every waking moment being his mom and raising him and just enjoying having him. Now I just don't want what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I'm in school right now but there's so much more that's missing. I know nothing can fill that void from losing my baby but I hope God brings something in my life worth being excited for.

What will my HEAVEN be like...

I try to imagine what it would be like once I reach Heaven.  I imagine my baby boy running to greet me as soon as I'm finished speaking with God. I imagine him grabbing my hand and leading me to where my Great - Grandma is. As we approach her I see her listening to some good gospel as her leg bounces up and down and her hand slaps against her thigh to the rhythm of the song.  Her arthritis is GONE,  her heart & lungs are healthy and all of her other earthly illnesses are of the past.  She looks up to see me standing there and jumps up for a huge hug. A hug that's I've been longing for since she left the earth in 2002. Then she says,  "Adrian take your mom to see your Pap Pap I'll be right here when y'all get back. " So Adrian says,  "Come on Mommy," -- words that I've been longing to hear,  "Pap Pap ' s over here looking down on the Steelers game, their down by a few points so he's telling them off." I follow Adrian to my Pap Pap and he doesn't notice me until they call a time out. As he looks up his eyes catch mine,  "Bum Bum," he yells as he stands up. I rush to him and hug him so tight and tell him how crazy it was when he left us and how I knew he was upset to see how our family had been acting and wishing everyone could hear him telling them off. I finish peeking down at the game with my Pap Pap as Adrian sits in my lap. I hear a voice from behind calling my name, BRIAN! My sweet God-brother. Boy did I miss him.  When he left us in 2003 I thought 14 is wayyyyyyy to young to die and I've never seen anyone die so soon not knowing what my own future would reveal in 2013.  We talk and catch up.  I told him how I felt a little comfort knowing that Adrian had a AWESOME uncle in heaven to look after him.

After speaking with Brian, Adrian and I went back to see my Nannie. She was sitting with my Aunt who would looked after me when I was a baby... She was making Adrian some new clothes. When I was a baby she would make EVERYTHING for me by hand!!

Then I finally had time alone with Adrian.  He told me that he watched me as I cried for him and he reached out to hold my hand but I couldn't feel him because I was so upset.  He asked me if I noticed the star to the left of my house that sparkled brighter than all the rest.  He said that it was him making that star sparkle to let me know he's still with me.  He told me how proud he was of me for accomplishing my goals and even though I hit some snags along the way he knew I could do anything I put my mind to. As I started to speak he put his little finger over my lips and said,  "I know Mommy, I love you too!" At that point that hole that had been in my heart since April 21, 2013 had been filled and I could breathe again.

I don't know who will beat me home to Heaven or who will be still on Earth waiting for that ride but I know that the reunion will be beautiful when that time comes. When it's my time I'll be excited to see Heaven and all who has left the earth before me.