I know that I have so many faults. And as time goes on I hope to get better at being the best version of me. I have no intentions on being perfect but I want to try my best to be the perfect me. I'm realizing that I want so badly to wake the world up. I want the world to know what I have learned in such a short period of time. Although I am still ungrateful at times and I realize that I need to snap myself back into reality and realize how blessed I am to have a life alone and to not be burdened with some of the illnesses and disabilities and other things that so many people have to live with every day. Since my son passed away I've learned that so many things that we get stressed out about and upset about doesn't even matter. I've learned that it is possible to find joy through the pain and it is okay to have bad days. I've learned that people won't always do or say exactly what you want them to do or say but its not anyone else's responsibility to be exactly what you need. I hope to one day find in myself would I need and not rely on anyone else but God to provide what I need. I've learned that no one in life of you anything and even when you're in your darkest days and your saddest period of time people will not come through for you. It doesn't mean that people don't like you or care for you it just means that human beings are selfish.
Human beings are selfish in a sense that mostly everyone always thinks of what they're going through before what anyone else is going through. Which is completely natural. We can all be sympathetic to everyone situation but we will never understand completely and empathize with a person going through a tough situation that we've never experienced.
Basically what I'm trying to say is I've been wanting so badly to make other people see the blessings that are right in front of them. I've been trying to make parents see how blessed they are for having their children even know they're tired and they have to make sacrifices for them and I try to explain how many people would love to be in their shoes that can't be blessed with children or lose their children. I try to make people see how many ways they are blessed.
I can't keep doing that I can't keep that type of mentality because if I keep that type of mentality I'm going to keep myself upset and angry at other people for being humans. If I can make the world a better place by being the best version of me then my job is done. And I will continue to fight to overcome everything that comes my way because I'm not just doing it for me anymore. I'm doing it for my son I want him to be proud of me. I know that the Bible says that once people go to heaven they don't think about anything they leave behind but I know in my heart that my son sends me signs so let me know that everything will be ok. And I'm going to keep that thought because it helps me. It helps me remember to slow down and stop being so hard on myself that things will happen in due time and one day everything will be ok. It also reminds me to pay attention that sometimes the answer that I'm seeking are right in front of me and if I stay still long enough I'll know exactly what I need to do.
I often forget to say it most of the time I'm so caught up thinking about everything that I need to do and where I wanna be in my life and what I need to do to get there that I forget to thank him. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for bringing me this far even though things have happened in my life that I will never understand in at one point I was angry with you and I questioned you I still must say thank you because even though the worst day of my life haunts me everyday you gave me a reason to keep going.
