...I'm not okay

I'm not okay.....

I don't know how I feel about these antidepressants. They don't stop you from thinking.... They don't change the circumstances.... They just mellow you out I suppose which is what I need, u guess......

The other day I had an anxiety attack.... I couldn't focus, couldn't stop shaking, panicked I took a Xanax and went to sleep...

Moral of the story is if you need help don't be afraid. You don't have to take anything forever but to get through the rough patches sometimes it helps!

So many questions...

I wonder....

Would you continue to look just like your Dad?

What would your favorite cartoon be?

Would you be a mama's boy?

Would you be afraid of the dark?

Would you play sports or maybe a instrument?

Would you fight not to eat your vegetables?

All these questions I have... I'll never know the answer to.

One thing I do know is Mommy loves you more than life and will never stop!

Final Procedure And Healing.

So glad that my D&C is over with. This morning I was nervous but I feel no pain at all and feel fine besides being groggy.

I'm ready for my mind and body to start healing. I know I will have harder days than most like when we pick up his urn and my necklace, Mother's Day, the day that my baby shower was scheduled, when we receive his birth certificate and my due date.

"God, please continue to give me strength through this time. Thank you for my second chance of life.. Thank you for letting me enjoy my angel for 5 months in my tummy and 4 hours in my arms and the arms of our family. Although I may not understand, I understand that you have plans for our lives they we may never understand. "pray for peace through this time."

I'm selfish.....

I don't mourn Adrian. I know he is with God and is perfectly fine and healthy. I know he watches over us and I know he's with us in our hearts. I mourn for myself. Which is extremely selfish!

When I go somewhere and see a woman pushing a stroller or a woman with her big pregnant belly I get jealous, almost angry. And then I start to question why not me! Why couldn't I have my child!? Which isn't right! You shouldn't question God. But me being selfish I do.... I don't disbelieve that God is there for me and has my back. But when your in so much pain you can't help but ask WHY? Why my son? Why me? Why can't I see him grow? Why can't I raise him? I would of been an excellent mother!

I think about "junkies" and some teenagers that can just pop babies out like its nothing. The junkies get their babies taken away by child services and they just lay down and have another one just to not want it! Why can these women who don't care about a baby get the blessing of having them and I can't have my first child!?

I'm so sorry Lord for questioning so much..... I wish I knew what my purpose is and I wish I knew the lesson your trying to teach me or show me!

But for now I just pray for strength and guidance through this pain!

You are always on my mind...

I constantly think about my son 24/7. I wake up talking to him, I go to sleep talking to him. I think about all the "plans" I had for his life. Tee ball, soccer, football, swimming lessons, Disney world. All the things children deserve to experience. It hurts me to know that I won't be able to experience any of those things with Adrian.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm young and I'll be able to have more babies but THEY WON'T BE ADRIAN! I can't replace him.. All the pain in my heart from losing him and the love I had for him can't be erased by another baby. Although we will try again with time because I feel the joy of having a baby is exactly what I want.

I never was the type to want to go out and do stupid things. I'm a home-body, a family girl! I find joy in spending time with my family and trips to the Zoo for example with my siblings. I always knew what I wanted and still want in life.

I will always want my son with me and that will never change whether I have another 10 babies I'll still think about my baby boy everyday!

Mommy loves you more than words can even describe Adrian Louis Brown.

How amazing and comforting....

This is the end of a poem I read...... It brought me to tears!

As I sit here alone in the bed I started thinking about what I had said. When out of the silence, God spoke to me and this is what he said...

"My child, these tears I cry for you. For I am a God of Mercy and I lost a child too. For your child did not suffer and my child died in vein. I am a God that's gracious in so many ways. Yes, I took your child, but not because of anything you've done... I gave you the chance to make me an Angel, the greatest gift a mother can give to her God. The mothers of my Angels are special- that's why I chose you. But I'll let you in on a little secret that will bring a smile to your face..."

"When your child was in Heaven, before I sent him your way, your baby was my special Angel that I promised a perfect mom. So as I sat down and opened the 'Mommy Book' that precious little Angel took just one look and said..."

"God, I want that one to be my mommy"

"I looked up with tears in my eyes and said ' Sorry- no can do. That mommy, she's not for you.'

"Why is that?" the Lil Angel asked.

I replied, "For that mommy, her baby will not survive."

The little Angel looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "But please God! For HER...I would die!"

For I could tell the Angel was so sincere, despite what I had told him, I sent him here...

As a smile crossed my face a tear rolled down my cheek. To know of all the mommies in the whole wide world, that special Angel chose me...

Found this article... It's so true.

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember
By Jennifer Marohn in I Am A Mother To An Angel


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t deserve your recognition

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren’t interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

http://mommyangelbaby.blogspot.com/p/angel-baby-poems.html

Racing mind .....

I wish I could think straight right now. Nothing makes sense. I have no motivation to do anything right now. I'm hurt... Where do I go from here? What do I do now? How do I go on?

People tell me that I have to continue to live and try to get back to normal. But what is normal!? I was planning my entire life around my son not because he was my responsibility but because I wanted it. Motherhood! Even though I am a mother although my baby lives in heaven. I want to raise a child and do all the fun things children love to do.

I want to try again to have another baby. My doctor told me to wait a year which feels like a lifetime! I don't want to replace my son that would be impossible but I want to give him a brother or a sister.

I have to make sure I get my health together and make sure my infection is gone. I miss my baby so much .....

I find myself saying out loud : "Mommy loves you Adrian!"

Leaving The Hospital....

So.. I was discharged from the hospital Monday afternoon which was April 22. I walked out just fine after getting the lecture about caring for myself after birth and all the numbers of therapist and social workers that I could call if I needed anything.

As I walked out of the room I noticed a card they had stuck to the number on my door. It was a green leaf falling into water. On the back there a very nice poem. I guess the card meant that I lost a child so that nurses would know what to and not to say. I took the card and put it in my bag and started that what seemed to be long walk to the exit.

While my boyfriend and I waited for my dad to get the car I stood outside and watched as the new mothers were wheeled to their vehicles with their newborn baby. And all the expecting women walking in with their big bellies.. I broke down into my boyfriends arms. I couldn't handle the fact that I was leaving the hospital without my baby in my belly or my arms...

After dropping my prescriptions we headed to our apartment.. When I got home my mother was waiting for me cleaning up the mess I left the apartment that Saturday afternoon. I really appreciate my mother so much. She put food in our fridge and stayed with me as long as we needed her to. That night was a rough one......

I Am The Mother Of An Angel...

At 20 weeks of pregnancy I was extremely excited. I thought, "GREAT! half way there until I meet my baby boy Adrian Louis. Until, Thursday, April 18th I started to feel "funny". I thought maybe it was because I was tired from not getting a lot of sleep due to my back and hip pains. Then I started to have diarrhea. Friday, April 19th I stayed in bed all day thinking maybe I just needed to rest. Saturday morning I woke up having severe abdominal pains every 15-20 mins almost like contractions. I went to Target to get a heating pad for my back and even picked up a cute outfit with matching bibs for my baby. When I arrived home I sat in the car for minute and started to tear up. I was going to wait until Monday to call the doctor thinking it was just a mixture of bad gas and Braxton Hicks but something told me to just call! The on-call doctor called me back and really didn't know much to say but, "I think you should come into labor and delivery".

Extremely scared I drove myself to the hospital... When I arrived I sat in triage and waited for so long before the doctor came in. When she examined me and the baby through ultrasound she diagnosed the issue as "round ligament pain". But..... I was also having discharge. She checked the discharge and it tested positive for amniotic fluid. Then she checked my cervix which was 2 cm dilated. She told me she would have to get the high risk doctor.

My best friend came to keep me company until my mother came. After waiting "HOURS" finally two doctors came in and told me that there is a high chance that it is an infection but they wanted to do an Amniocentesis to check. They proceeded to tell me that if there was infection the best thing to do was to deliver the baby in which he would not survive. After hysterically crying one of the doctors checked my cervix again. At that point I was 3 cm dilated. All that ran through my mind is "I want my baby!" All I needed to hear is how I could save my baby. I would have sacrificed myself for my son to live!

The doctors stepped out to give us some time to think after giving the pros and cons of the procedure. Not too long after they came back with another doctor that said without even doing the Amniocentesis he knows I have an infection from the high fever I spiked. He said no matter what they did the baby was coming and because of the infection they wouldn't stop it because it could kill me also! I couldn't catch my breath! At the point my mom said we needed to call my boyfriend who I told to go on to work that its probably nothing.

The doctors moved me to a different room and set me up on IV fluids and said they would give it a while to see if my fever and everything would calm down. My contractions became closer but not as painful. My fever went away which gave some hope. The doctor did another check and I was still 3 cm dilated but the membrane was bulging and he felt a foot or hand. At that point he said the baby is coming and he suggested inducing me to speed the process and "stop all this" because I had been in so much pain.

My boyfriend didn't understand what was going on. After listening to the doctor he became angry because he didn't know why they wouldn't try to save our baby. He didn't understand about the infection or that because he's so little they would cause more damage trying to place breathing tubes in him. All I could do was cry and I kept saying, "I want my baby"! Over and over again!

I spent about 6-7 hours in active labor I had our angel at 8:40 am Sunday, April 21, 2013 at 0 lbs, 11 oz and 9.5 inches. He was completely perfect in every way possible from his little mouth (which is the same as mine) and his little chin and feet. He looked like his father.

I couldn't cry at that point. I was in shock. I delivered him naturally with an epidural and I keep playing every event, every sound in my mind. My son lived! He was alive for 4 hours and the doctors said he wouldn't make it through delivery. He moved, he opened his mouth, he knew who his mommy and daddy were and still are.

That was the most traumatic and most difficult things I've ever been through in my life!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how my son is in heaven with God and how he saved my life by being born. So I could get treated for the infection.

Although I am grateful for all my support with from friends and family I still question losing my son. I know you shouldn't question God but this pain in my heart I can't understand. With time hopefully I pray I can handle it better.