Silence ...

As I sit lonely in my home I try to keep tears that are swelling in my eyes from falling but it's impossible. I feel so empty and I don't want to. But my heart is broken and sometimes I don't even know how I can go on. The silence scares me...

"Oh, your uncomfortable!?"

This post may be,"chopped and screwed," when it comes for grammar but I don't care. I am incredibly frustrated. People are extremely selfish and I understand that the human race is a selfish one. When I get upset I have no one to talk to. Scratch that! I do have the Lord. I need to start trusting in Him lately that he will see me through anything that comes my way. But the flash in me has feelings. I get so extremely frustrated when I hear," I am here for you when you need me." but when I call that person that claims they have my back they're always busy and can't spare a few moments to comfort me. That's selfish. When I tell someone that I am there for then that means that any personal preference that I have any emotion and feeling come last. If I claim to be there for someone I am available when I'm needed with no excuse. But I don't get the same in return. I told myself not to care but its obvious that I care because I hurt so much because of it. I don't expect anyone to stop living their lives because my son is gone. But I expect the People that play a significant role in my life and would have played a significant role in my son's life to have a heart and stop treating my child like he never existed. It just really hurts me how I've always felt alone and I always felt like I never fit in in any parts of my family and even after I've gone through a heartbreaking loss I am so alone. I know that my siblings love me and they are the only ones that I know for sure cares about me. But everyone else I have to question. Mentally I've gone through so much with my family and with myself. I just need to finally realize that the road I walk I walk alone. I need to learn support myself out of sorrow to keep moving and living not for anyone else but in honor of my son and my God. 

The reason for this scatter brained post is because someone told me that people may feel "UNCOMFORTABL!" saying things to me especially people who have kids. Are you serious? How about how uncomfortable I feel everytime I have to sit and listen to people complain about all the things that they have to do for their children and then that they can't do because they have children and I can talk about my said or was shut the whole room much because people are too damn I'm comfortable for you know what I don't give a damn if people are uncomfortable people don't give a damn about how uncomfortable I feel everyday of my damn life. Talk about being uncomfortable! This is the selfish mentality that I'm talking about people are so selfish! I cannot believe the audacity of some. And I'm not the type of person to say I never want to hear about your children because my mom passed away why would I do that to someone is my coworkers are talking about their children I don't say anything I'm not going to be rude to them because I'm going through something so why should people feel uncomfortable or be rude to me because I want to talk about my son that's not right and that's not fair. So instead of saying people uncomfortable because of the situation well think about how I feel! I'm the one that has to live with the pain everyday.

I'm to the point that I feel like cutting people completely off if you don't want to hear about my son and  I never going to talk to you again. Because he was and always will be the most important person to me. And just because his life is short doesn't mean he doesn't live with me forever. He saved my life more ways than one and for that I am forever grateful to him. No one could begin to imagine every single emotion involved and I don't expect anyone to I just expect people to respect the fact that I want to keep my spirit alive and I don't want to pretend like he never existed because he's not here now.

Just think if someone's mother passed away does that mean they never had a mother? Or someone's grandmother passed away that means their grandmother never existed?

Trying times....

I feel like I'm always being tested..... The Lord is really trying to make me see that he is the only one that really has my back and knows what I need.... He's also testing my faith in him .. He wants me to 100% believe that he will bring me out of any storm. I believe in God and I pray to him (not as often as I should).. I let the flesh in me dictate my reaction instead of praying for guidance ... 

I've been giving way to much power over my life to others. Whether it's my boyfriend, friend or family I let people tell me what to do, how to feel, what I should feel and I've had enough. No one knows my heart but The Lord, not even me! I say that because many times I feel LOST! I can't get my thoughts or emotions together to figure out anything. I know EXACTLY what I want in life.. I want a family of my own, success, respect, a happy marriage or atleast one with great communication to talk through any issues... I want your typical fairy tale house with a white picket fence. But as we all know sometimes you have to go through the nightmare to get the fairy tale ending you know you deserve....

Sometimes I feel like checking out.....

I often ask myself, "WHY?" Why me? Why is it always a constant battle? Why couldn't I have my baby? I would have been a great mother.... Why do people treat me the way they do? I'm not a bad person. But like I said in the beginning The Lord is testing me! I've been going through the most but still I believe in fighting! I'm a fighter !!! I'm a survivor!!!

Update 2: stress and anxiety!

      So lately I've been a little worried. I've been having some pain in the area of my ovaries. I try to "give it to God", but I am still human with human emotions.

      I've also had bronchitis for the past few weeks. This cough is so ridiculous, last night I felt dizzy and had a pounding headache.

     I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed... Between school and my health I feel like I'm losing control and falling behind. My insurance ends at the end of the month and trying to get new insurance is a hassle..... I just feel like there's such a weight on my shoulders... Like everything is happening at once.... 

     Yesterday I caught myself repeating, "lord, give me the strength".. As I walked from class.

     I just have to keep reminding myself why I'm doing what I'm doing....

Update 1: Life After Infant Loss. Sticking to my Goals.

I haven't blogged in a while.... I've been trying to stay focused on getting my life back on track.

I've been having relationship issues...

I've been "dealing" with my loss and trying to cope...

There is good news though...

Because I found out I was pregnant I made the decision to look into going back to school....

Since having and losing Adrian I've been motivated to do exactly what I set out to do....

I registered for (4) classes to start... 

I hope to be in the nursing program as soon as I'm finished taking all the "other courses".. By the grace of God I received enough $$ in loans to pay for my classes and get all the supplies I need...

I also joined a church....

I consider it a family church because the Pastor was my Great-Grandmothers pastor for what seemed like forever....I've made the decision to be the best I can be for me and my future.... I want to be satisfied with myself. I no longer give responsibility to anyone else for my happiness!

Stationery Card

Joyfully Introduce Boy Birth Announcement

Create photo birth announcements by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

I'm suffocating

Couldn't sleep at all last night. I've almost been up for 24 hours. I walked over a mile and I still have no urge to sleep. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel like I have no control over myself. I'm lost!

I hear everything everyone is telling me but then again I don't..... I understand but I can't comprehend. My heart won't let me. I'm stuck. I want to heal so badly. I know it takes time but I'm so afraid that I can't help myself.....

March for Babies: Pittsburgh 2013!

75th Anniversary March for Babies!

Comfy shoes!

 

5k!

Finish line!

Home stretch across the Clemento bridge.

My Aunt doing a "No-No" standing on the PNC stadium grass before the game tonight.

Got free Pirates Tickets for our contribution

Mommy and Daddy representing our Angel Adrian.

. 

I'm breaking down..

I feel extremely stuck and helpless!
Everyone keeps telling me what I "need" to do and how I "should" think of the situation but its easier said than done. I can't focus....

I feel like a elephant is sitting on my chest and I breathe. I feel like I'm being held under water with no strength to fight my way out! I'm afraid... I want control over my mind again... But how? I feel like screaming and starting a riot! Lord, please help me! Please give me the strength to get through this!!!!

I never understood why people would take the easy way out and take their own lives. Knowing what I know about spending eternity in hell I wondered why people would chose that for themselves. But after this situation and all the emotions that I hold inside I want to explode! I honesty don't know what to do . So honesty I can say I understand why! When your heart is breaking and crushed and your world doesn't make sense and you have no control of your emotions and don't understand half the time how you feel and how to deal with it all you don't think of eternity. You think of not suffering from what you feel now!

Bad Nights... GO Away!

These past few nights haven't been okay. Tuesday, May 21st there was a bad apartment building fire directly across the street from my duplex..

My boyfriend and I sat in the living room watching movies and started to smell burning. I thought someone maybe had the grill fired up cooking. I looked out of the window and the street was painted with multiple fire trucks, ambulance an police. I stepped on to the porch and saw a big black cloud of smoke and on my left side I could see a window full of flames. People stood on the side walks in tears.

I went back in the house and periodically I'd look out of the window and each time the fire had spread more. The firemen couldn't control it enough to get into the building until after midnight. I heard a girl screaming crying yelling, "what the f***!" She lost her cat and dog. If your a pet owner you understand that pets are just as much as family as a brother or sister.

All the people were out of the building but the animals passed away. I couldn't get the image out of my head.. I feel so hurt for these people who lost everything. I didn't sleep that night...

Last night was really bad for me. I couldn't help but breakdown. I feel like because its been a month since losing my baby people think I should be okay but I'm not. I have my nights where I just can't deal and honestly I can't begin to describe my feelings but I don't even know.... I hurt so badly....

"Signs From Above"

As crazy as it may sound I believe that if you sit still and quiet enough you'll see a sign that will help bring peace. I believe that there are signs everywhere.

People may say science but as I sit on the porch, candle lit, speaking to God and my son I notice one star in particular that is shining wayyyyy brighter than the others. I tell my son everyday that I love him. This particular night after praying and telling my baby that I love him this star caught my eye and I BELIEVE that it's him saying, "Mommy, I love you too."

As I said before as crazy as it may sound it brings me peace to believe that signs do come from above. Especially when you feel your weakest.

Now I cry.... Not only because I miss him but because I noticed that star I BELIEVE my baby is telling me he's here.

Mother's Day!

I've been dreading May 12, 2013. I'm so sick of all the Mother's Day promotions and commercials. I pray for patience. I feel bad because after asking my Mother is she wanted to do something special she said she wasn't in the spirit of Mother's Day after losing Adrian (her grandson).
We did decide to go to brunch. Hopefully that will be a fun time.

I came home from work yesterday and m boyfriend surprised me with early Mother's Day gifts. I walked in to beautiful pink roses and a teddy bear with angel wings. He also got me a little boy April birthstone charm to add to my necklace of a heart with some of my baby's ashes and a lush product.

He really did a good job knowing that Sunday may be hard for me and the previous night was a rough one. I cried so hard to the point that I needed to use my inhaler twice and take a Xanax to get some sleep. He just held me and wiped my tears.

I really appreciate him for who he is.

I'm going to tell the truth..

When people ask how I'm feeling I'm not going to pretend like I'm okay if I'm not. I'm not going to "pretend" to be stronger than what I'm feeling at that point of time. I feel like I will NEVER heal. How do you completely heal from losing a child....

All I can do is ask God for the strength and patience I need to keep moving and live without my baby.

Starting new.. Making short term goals!

So in less than two weeks we'll be moving into our new apartment. Hopefully our last apartment before we buy a house. I'm excited for this move.. It's time for something new and to start over and leave the negativity at the old place.

I told myself I would start setting small goals..

Goal #1: move (check)

Goal #2: make it my own, I love decorating so this is exciting!

Goal #3: get healthy! I've cut out pop completely, working on the rest! Water and cranberry juice for me! I also want to get some good vitamins...

I think I can handle those two things to start.. I've also told myself that I need to "restore my faith".... I feel like the Devil is trying to control my life and I won't let him... I want to be the person that gives everything to God even the good. But he is still working on me and I am open for change!

Although this situation is heartbreaking and extremely hard for me God has never failed me now and I know he'll get me through. Although I believe in that I have my days when I still ask "why me"!? Waiting for him to give me a sign that will make it all make sense. But I don't think it ever will.

Taking everything day by day.....

I'm proud of myself.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to the funeral home to pick up our baby.
We were told that's he'd be ready to come home between 8:30a-4:30p. When we got there there was a viewing that just started and it was packed with so many people.

I thought I would break down after seeing his urn and my necklace but I didn't. That's why I say I'm proud of myself. I left that funeral home hugging the bag that had his tiny urn and my necklace boxed in it as if it was him in my arms. I didn't break, I didn't shed a tear. I felt peace in a way ... My son was finally coming home with his parents..

Back To Reality..

Today I returned to work.....

I've been dreading coming back because I didn't want anyone to act different towards me or feel like they have to be really sensitive with me. I want to talk about my son. I don't want anyone to ever act as if he didn't exist. I find comfort in talking about it because when I hold it in a feel like I'm going to explode.

I'm glad that everyone is showing empathy....

Another coworker told me of her past experience. It's amazing how so many women suffer in silence and you don't hear about pregnancy or infant loss a lot.

I know when I got pregnant I didn't think that something like this would happen to me. I didn't know what to look for and what was normal or not. My doctors didn't do a great job at explaining that to me.

I started doing my own research so that with my next pregnancy I know what I need to keep an eye out for... And I won't settle for anything.... If I have a twitch I'm going in to be checked and I don't want a quick check I want an extensive check.

I'm somewhat optimistic although scared for next time. I feel like I need to restore my faith and give all credit to God. I out too much faith in man and sometimes man will let you down! I won't give up!

...I'm not okay

I'm not okay.....

I don't know how I feel about these antidepressants. They don't stop you from thinking.... They don't change the circumstances.... They just mellow you out I suppose which is what I need, u guess......

The other day I had an anxiety attack.... I couldn't focus, couldn't stop shaking, panicked I took a Xanax and went to sleep...

Moral of the story is if you need help don't be afraid. You don't have to take anything forever but to get through the rough patches sometimes it helps!

So many questions...

I wonder....

Would you continue to look just like your Dad?

What would your favorite cartoon be?

Would you be a mama's boy?

Would you be afraid of the dark?

Would you play sports or maybe a instrument?

Would you fight not to eat your vegetables?

All these questions I have... I'll never know the answer to.

One thing I do know is Mommy loves you more than life and will never stop!

Final Procedure And Healing.

So glad that my D&C is over with. This morning I was nervous but I feel no pain at all and feel fine besides being groggy.

I'm ready for my mind and body to start healing. I know I will have harder days than most like when we pick up his urn and my necklace, Mother's Day, the day that my baby shower was scheduled, when we receive his birth certificate and my due date.

"God, please continue to give me strength through this time. Thank you for my second chance of life.. Thank you for letting me enjoy my angel for 5 months in my tummy and 4 hours in my arms and the arms of our family. Although I may not understand, I understand that you have plans for our lives they we may never understand. "pray for peace through this time."

I'm selfish.....

I don't mourn Adrian. I know he is with God and is perfectly fine and healthy. I know he watches over us and I know he's with us in our hearts. I mourn for myself. Which is extremely selfish!

When I go somewhere and see a woman pushing a stroller or a woman with her big pregnant belly I get jealous, almost angry. And then I start to question why not me! Why couldn't I have my child!? Which isn't right! You shouldn't question God. But me being selfish I do.... I don't disbelieve that God is there for me and has my back. But when your in so much pain you can't help but ask WHY? Why my son? Why me? Why can't I see him grow? Why can't I raise him? I would of been an excellent mother!

I think about "junkies" and some teenagers that can just pop babies out like its nothing. The junkies get their babies taken away by child services and they just lay down and have another one just to not want it! Why can these women who don't care about a baby get the blessing of having them and I can't have my first child!?

I'm so sorry Lord for questioning so much..... I wish I knew what my purpose is and I wish I knew the lesson your trying to teach me or show me!

But for now I just pray for strength and guidance through this pain!

You are always on my mind...

I constantly think about my son 24/7. I wake up talking to him, I go to sleep talking to him. I think about all the "plans" I had for his life. Tee ball, soccer, football, swimming lessons, Disney world. All the things children deserve to experience. It hurts me to know that I won't be able to experience any of those things with Adrian.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm young and I'll be able to have more babies but THEY WON'T BE ADRIAN! I can't replace him.. All the pain in my heart from losing him and the love I had for him can't be erased by another baby. Although we will try again with time because I feel the joy of having a baby is exactly what I want.

I never was the type to want to go out and do stupid things. I'm a home-body, a family girl! I find joy in spending time with my family and trips to the Zoo for example with my siblings. I always knew what I wanted and still want in life.

I will always want my son with me and that will never change whether I have another 10 babies I'll still think about my baby boy everyday!

Mommy loves you more than words can even describe Adrian Louis Brown.

How amazing and comforting....

This is the end of a poem I read...... It brought me to tears!

As I sit here alone in the bed I started thinking about what I had said. When out of the silence, God spoke to me and this is what he said...

"My child, these tears I cry for you. For I am a God of Mercy and I lost a child too. For your child did not suffer and my child died in vein. I am a God that's gracious in so many ways. Yes, I took your child, but not because of anything you've done... I gave you the chance to make me an Angel, the greatest gift a mother can give to her God. The mothers of my Angels are special- that's why I chose you. But I'll let you in on a little secret that will bring a smile to your face..."

"When your child was in Heaven, before I sent him your way, your baby was my special Angel that I promised a perfect mom. So as I sat down and opened the 'Mommy Book' that precious little Angel took just one look and said..."

"God, I want that one to be my mommy"

"I looked up with tears in my eyes and said ' Sorry- no can do. That mommy, she's not for you.'

"Why is that?" the Lil Angel asked.

I replied, "For that mommy, her baby will not survive."

The little Angel looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "But please God! For HER...I would die!"

For I could tell the Angel was so sincere, despite what I had told him, I sent him here...

As a smile crossed my face a tear rolled down my cheek. To know of all the mommies in the whole wide world, that special Angel chose me...

Found this article... It's so true.

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember
By Jennifer Marohn in I Am A Mother To An Angel


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t deserve your recognition

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasn’t really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren’t interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

http://mommyangelbaby.blogspot.com/p/angel-baby-poems.html

Racing mind .....

I wish I could think straight right now. Nothing makes sense. I have no motivation to do anything right now. I'm hurt... Where do I go from here? What do I do now? How do I go on?

People tell me that I have to continue to live and try to get back to normal. But what is normal!? I was planning my entire life around my son not because he was my responsibility but because I wanted it. Motherhood! Even though I am a mother although my baby lives in heaven. I want to raise a child and do all the fun things children love to do.

I want to try again to have another baby. My doctor told me to wait a year which feels like a lifetime! I don't want to replace my son that would be impossible but I want to give him a brother or a sister.

I have to make sure I get my health together and make sure my infection is gone. I miss my baby so much .....

I find myself saying out loud : "Mommy loves you Adrian!"

Leaving The Hospital....

So.. I was discharged from the hospital Monday afternoon which was April 22. I walked out just fine after getting the lecture about caring for myself after birth and all the numbers of therapist and social workers that I could call if I needed anything.

As I walked out of the room I noticed a card they had stuck to the number on my door. It was a green leaf falling into water. On the back there a very nice poem. I guess the card meant that I lost a child so that nurses would know what to and not to say. I took the card and put it in my bag and started that what seemed to be long walk to the exit.

While my boyfriend and I waited for my dad to get the car I stood outside and watched as the new mothers were wheeled to their vehicles with their newborn baby. And all the expecting women walking in with their big bellies.. I broke down into my boyfriends arms. I couldn't handle the fact that I was leaving the hospital without my baby in my belly or my arms...

After dropping my prescriptions we headed to our apartment.. When I got home my mother was waiting for me cleaning up the mess I left the apartment that Saturday afternoon. I really appreciate my mother so much. She put food in our fridge and stayed with me as long as we needed her to. That night was a rough one......

I Am The Mother Of An Angel...

At 20 weeks of pregnancy I was extremely excited. I thought, "GREAT! half way there until I meet my baby boy Adrian Louis. Until, Thursday, April 18th I started to feel "funny". I thought maybe it was because I was tired from not getting a lot of sleep due to my back and hip pains. Then I started to have diarrhea. Friday, April 19th I stayed in bed all day thinking maybe I just needed to rest. Saturday morning I woke up having severe abdominal pains every 15-20 mins almost like contractions. I went to Target to get a heating pad for my back and even picked up a cute outfit with matching bibs for my baby. When I arrived home I sat in the car for minute and started to tear up. I was going to wait until Monday to call the doctor thinking it was just a mixture of bad gas and Braxton Hicks but something told me to just call! The on-call doctor called me back and really didn't know much to say but, "I think you should come into labor and delivery".

Extremely scared I drove myself to the hospital... When I arrived I sat in triage and waited for so long before the doctor came in. When she examined me and the baby through ultrasound she diagnosed the issue as "round ligament pain". But..... I was also having discharge. She checked the discharge and it tested positive for amniotic fluid. Then she checked my cervix which was 2 cm dilated. She told me she would have to get the high risk doctor.

My best friend came to keep me company until my mother came. After waiting "HOURS" finally two doctors came in and told me that there is a high chance that it is an infection but they wanted to do an Amniocentesis to check. They proceeded to tell me that if there was infection the best thing to do was to deliver the baby in which he would not survive. After hysterically crying one of the doctors checked my cervix again. At that point I was 3 cm dilated. All that ran through my mind is "I want my baby!" All I needed to hear is how I could save my baby. I would have sacrificed myself for my son to live!

The doctors stepped out to give us some time to think after giving the pros and cons of the procedure. Not too long after they came back with another doctor that said without even doing the Amniocentesis he knows I have an infection from the high fever I spiked. He said no matter what they did the baby was coming and because of the infection they wouldn't stop it because it could kill me also! I couldn't catch my breath! At the point my mom said we needed to call my boyfriend who I told to go on to work that its probably nothing.

The doctors moved me to a different room and set me up on IV fluids and said they would give it a while to see if my fever and everything would calm down. My contractions became closer but not as painful. My fever went away which gave some hope. The doctor did another check and I was still 3 cm dilated but the membrane was bulging and he felt a foot or hand. At that point he said the baby is coming and he suggested inducing me to speed the process and "stop all this" because I had been in so much pain.

My boyfriend didn't understand what was going on. After listening to the doctor he became angry because he didn't know why they wouldn't try to save our baby. He didn't understand about the infection or that because he's so little they would cause more damage trying to place breathing tubes in him. All I could do was cry and I kept saying, "I want my baby"! Over and over again!

I spent about 6-7 hours in active labor I had our angel at 8:40 am Sunday, April 21, 2013 at 0 lbs, 11 oz and 9.5 inches. He was completely perfect in every way possible from his little mouth (which is the same as mine) and his little chin and feet. He looked like his father.

I couldn't cry at that point. I was in shock. I delivered him naturally with an epidural and I keep playing every event, every sound in my mind. My son lived! He was alive for 4 hours and the doctors said he wouldn't make it through delivery. He moved, he opened his mouth, he knew who his mommy and daddy were and still are.

That was the most traumatic and most difficult things I've ever been through in my life!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how my son is in heaven with God and how he saved my life by being born. So I could get treated for the infection.

Although I am grateful for all my support with from friends and family I still question losing my son. I know you shouldn't question God but this pain in my heart I can't understand. With time hopefully I pray I can handle it better.

WE'RE HAVING A BABY..

So.... I'm having a baby...

We found out that we were pregnant about two weeks before my 23rd birthday. I know when something isn't right with my body like most women do. One night I was talking to a close friend on the phone and I kept telling her I just didn't feel "right". Of course, the first thing my friend asks is, "When was your last cycle?" I started thinking about it and the last time I had my "Lady-time" was at the end of October. Usually I don't stress over how much time passes before I get my last one because I'm usually extremely irregular. She told me to take a test. I thought to myself, "nahh" it couldn't be. I was always told that I would have a very hard time conceiving. Welp, I took a test................ I actually took 6 tests and they all said "GIRL, YOUR PREGNANT!" Completely in shock I just could not get my head straight. When my boyfriend came home I showed him the tests and he was SHOCKED but extremely excited because he's always talked about starting a family. I, of course, started thinking about all the prep work, the time off of work, the sickness, the expenses..

Well all those thoughts went out of the window the following week. I experienced some blending that week and that Saturday it was a little heavier and I was very nervous about it. Of course, by that time I already shared the news with my parents and grandmother. My Mom told me if it would make me feel better to go get it checked out that it's normal to have spotting. I went to the ED at the women's hospital. They confirmed my pregnant with urine and blood tests. Then the very very sweet nurse was able to get me in for an early ultrasound right before they closed. This is when those worries went to the back of my head........ When I saw that monitor and saw that there is LIFE inside of me I felt so much joy and I felt EXTREMELY blessed. At this point I was 6 weeks and 1 day making my due date SEPTEMBER 6th.