The little blue crate in my basement.

Today as I completed my weekend to-do list I found myself trapped in the basement next the crate with things I kept for my baby. Every time I go to the basement to do laundry or place unneeded things in storage I glance at the blue crate which always makes my heart sink.

Today was different.. As I took a deep breath I opened the crate revealing things that were purchased at a time when my heart was filled with so much hope and joy. Now when I look at those things I feel pain and thoughts of what could have been or images of what my son would have looked like in the super cute 101 Dalmatians onesie and matching hat with ears or me and his dad reading one of the books I purchased to start his collection. I thought to myself that although it's been hard for me to let go of these things I HAVE TO. I realised that I was keeping these things because I felt as though I would lose what little I have that proves that my baby existed. I still can't believe that what was suppose to be a happy time turned into a nightmare. But even though there was a change in events I still see my baby as the greatest gift I could have ever received. What's most important is that I continue to keep his memory alive. Although he was on this earth for a extremely short period time he is still apart of my life and I am still his mother and that will never change. I don't  need things to remind me of him... I have kept some things that were made specifically made for him one of which is a blanket that was made by my grandmother who passed shortly after him that summer.. I also have a few stuffed animals that serve as a comfort measure for those rough nights. I have a few photos and of course his tiny urn. But most importantly I still feel him, I can still picture his face. I still have phantom kicks. I could still feel his little fingers and his little nose. 

Some think I'm not moving forward. What mother could possibly just move forward as if her child never existed. In fact I am still going and moving and existing. No one has a right to say that I'm not progressing. Especially those who have not walked in my shoes. The hardest part of grieving is getting others to understand that it isn't necessary to constantly try to reverse the affects of what happened. I am not the same and will never be. 

I know I'm not crazy but...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Not just your typical thoughts about a career, house, dream care but specifics. I wish my time was now to have another baby but I have to be smart. It's depressing to want something more than the air I breathe and have to be patient. But anyway... I have a lot planned out down to the color scheme, baby shower,  baby swim classes, newborn photos, CAR SEAT! I want so badly to have the life I dream off. It's been off but I am still grateful for so many opportunities. I still question however but I know I shouldn't. I question, why me? Why did I have to lose a child when there's so many unfit parents out there that are able to mass reproduce. Why do I have to feel this pain 24/7. I pray that God is preparing me for something great but I don't know what could be greater than having my baby boy would have been. But I will continue to wait and practice patience... what more can I do...

Why can't I shake it!?

I wish I could release this erie feeling I have. ALL day I've been feeling like I'm choking and I can't catch my breath and the tears keep randomly falling. I'm trying so hard to keep my pain to myself and hidden but I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything that I see EVERDAY is a reminder. My silent apartment, no baby clothes to wash, no bottles to clean, no diapers to change, no sounds of little feet stumbling around. I should have a one year old to run after. Why out of all the horrible people in this shitty world did I have to go through this. Why can people who can't even take care of one child mass reproduce with no problems without thinking. Why do I have to jump through hoops to even get to the point where I could try again?? I try not to question things but right now I'm feeling really clueless!!!

Selfie #1: Anger & Finding Myself.

First and foremost I titles this "#1 Selfie" b/c it's an awesome title and also when people take pictures of themselves aka SELFIES they get to reflect and look at themselves. So my selfie posts will be just that! I will look back on myself and reflect on my emotions and lessons that I've learned about myself, the world or other people. It feels so good to just type and get everything out of my system without my hand cramping from holding a pen. And this blog is basically my private journal anyway because no one reads it.

Sweet Jesus! I have so many things running through my mind constantly. I'm feeling really mentally and physically exhausted. It seems like people reveal their true feelings about you when anger is involved. Apparently, I'm not a very "likeable" person, I always have something to say and I play the victim role. These things may be true but I think their is a little "victim" in everyone. Life fucking sucks sometimes really bad! And it shows in the faces and actions of EVERYONE. That's just the way it is. I think that there is no such thing as completely finding oneself. I feel that life is a constant journey and through everything we go through we find a different part of us that we didn't know existed.

I missed work and school yesterday... I really didn't get any sleep the night prior. I needed that day to figure everything out. I've learned that the person that I am may never be accepted but that's okay. I'm exhausted with trying to be accepted and be myself. I've also learned that my opinion is not wanted or appreciated and in reality when it comes down to importance I'll will always be disposable to the people in my life. (Oh shoot, I sound like a victim). But moral of the story is I'm NEVER commenting on anything again and If someone is being offensive towards me or people I care about I'm going to turn the other cheek.

Aside from that I need to work on softening my heart. I need to work on how I carry myself and how I come across to people. I don't know when I became so mean but I feel it and it hurts. Even when I tell myself I need to be nicer and even when I try I still feel mean. People irritate me, EVERYTHING irritates me. Even if it's not all my fault I need to work on how I react to things. Even ignorance, it's not worth the headache.

NO ONE HAS THE POWER.. drafted 7/6

I think when dealing with people that we care for like family or friends we tend to make them responsible. Responsible for giving us love, responsible for showing us our worth. For the past few years I've been working on being content and happy with who I am as a person.

Usually people are hurt and confused when feeling left now.. I was one of those people trying to figure out why I wasn't being included. Now that I've been more self-sufficient I could care less who invites me, contacts me, etc. I'm not fool to decite, I just don't give people the power to be deceitful towards me. I stopped giving people the power to define me and appraise me. With that said I could be a fish in a room with 10 sharks and not be moved. One of my most favorite Maya Angelou quotes is, "I shall not be moved." You have the ability to take away the power someone has over your life. The only person that should have power over your life is God!

RANDOM thoughts from 6/23.

Tears are apart of my daily life now, and that's ok. They remind me that I'm human which means I'm allowed to fail sometimes. I spend so much time trying to reach my peak and be the ultimate version of me. I forget that trees don't grow to their final stage over night and that every thing takes time. I'm always trying to be superwoman and save the world but I need to stay focused on saving MYSELF.

My friend told me today in so many words that I'm not happy because I never think I'm good enough. I'm grateful for her honesty and support. She's right! I've never ever felt good enough.

JUST A THOUGHT.

I know that I have so many faults. And as time goes on I hope to get better at being the best version of me. I have no intentions on being perfect but I want to try my best to be the perfect me. I'm realizing that I want so badly to wake the world up. I want the world to know what I have learned in such a short period of time. Although I am still ungrateful at times and I realize that I need to snap myself back into reality and realize how blessed I am to have a life alone and to not be burdened with some of the illnesses and disabilities and other things that so many people have to live with every day. Since my son passed away I've learned that so many things that we get stressed out about and upset about doesn't even matter. I've learned that it is possible to find joy through the pain and it is okay to have bad days. I've learned that people won't always do or say exactly what you want them to do or say but its not anyone else's responsibility to be exactly what you need. I hope to one day find in myself would I need and not rely on anyone else but God to provide what I need. I've learned that no one in life of you anything and even when you're in your darkest days and your saddest period of time people will not come through for you. It doesn't mean that people don't like you or care for you it just means that human beings are selfish.

Human beings are selfish in a sense that mostly everyone always thinks of what they're going through before what anyone else is going through. Which is completely natural. We can all be sympathetic to everyone situation but we will never understand completely and empathize with a person going through a tough situation that we've never experienced.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I've been wanting so badly to make other people see the blessings that are right in front of them. I've been trying to make parents see how blessed they are for having their children even know they're tired and they have to make sacrifices for them and I try to explain how many people would love to be in their shoes that can't be blessed with children or lose their children. I try to make people see how many ways they are blessed.

I can't keep doing that I can't keep that type of mentality because if I keep that type of mentality I'm going to keep myself upset and angry at other people for being humans. If I can make the world a better place by being the best version of me then my job is done. And I will continue to fight to overcome everything that comes my way because I'm not just doing it for me anymore. I'm doing it for my son I want him to be proud of me. I know that the Bible says that once people go to heaven they don't think about anything they leave behind but I know in my heart that my son sends me signs so let me know that everything will be ok. And I'm going to keep that thought because it helps me. It helps me remember to slow down and stop being so hard on myself that things will happen in due time and one day everything will be ok. It also reminds me to pay attention that sometimes the answer that I'm seeking are right in front of me and if I stay still long enough I'll know exactly what I need to do.

I often forget to say it most of the time I'm so caught up thinking about everything that I need to do and where I wanna be in my life and what I need to do to get there that I forget to thank him. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for bringing me this far even though things have happened in my life that I will never understand in at one point I was angry with you and I questioned you I still must say thank you because even though the worst day of my life haunts me everyday you gave me a reason to keep going.

CAN'T SLEEP.

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I feel so helpless and hopeless. I visioned my life being so much different right now. It's my fault for thinking fairytales were real and after all your pain you get your happy life and white picket fence. I know my story isn't over but sometimes I get so tired of rewriting each chapter. Planning for happiness and comfort that may never come and BOOM a hurricane called life comes swooping in and it's back to the drawing boards. It feels like the jokes are always on me. My pain is entertainment to some people. It's amusing to see me cry. I'm ready to be able to breathe again but as soon as I think things could get on track here comes another storm to knock me off track. I always wanted to be a mother.. I wanted to be the type to make memories with their kids and be a role model and provider but the more I work towards my dream the harder it becomes. I'm just physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

Note to SELF!

I think I will start writing as if I'm talking to myself. Not to sound crazy or anything but I just dont think anyone really reads my blog. I forget that I have a blog sometimes.. Today a great new friend reminded by mentioning that she should start a blog. I hope she does because she has some good tips for living a healthier lifestyle. Anywho... here it goes.

Self, get it together! It's okay if people don't understand you or value what you can bring to the table. You need to start being proud of the things you've accomplished and stop thinking you aren't worth. I know because of past experiences it's so easy to be down on yourself but realize that your better than you think.. Stop trying to please anyone but yourself.. It's impossible and you'll drive yourself insane trying!

And girl you know you did not need 3 slices of pizza. You need to gain more control. Your future depends on the choices you make now. You can do it. Remember what you say, "If there's a will, there's a way!"

<3 Janaya

Lost..

Sometimes I feel so lost that I want to cry. I feel like there's nothing for me here. I think about how busy my life would be if I had my son here. It's sad because I wanted that busyness so bad. I wanted to spend every waking moment being his mom and raising him and just enjoying having him. Now I just don't want what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I'm in school right now but there's so much more that's missing. I know nothing can fill that void from losing my baby but I hope God brings something in my life worth being excited for.

What will my HEAVEN be like...

I try to imagine what it would be like once I reach Heaven.  I imagine my baby boy running to greet me as soon as I'm finished speaking with God. I imagine him grabbing my hand and leading me to where my Great - Grandma is. As we approach her I see her listening to some good gospel as her leg bounces up and down and her hand slaps against her thigh to the rhythm of the song.  Her arthritis is GONE,  her heart & lungs are healthy and all of her other earthly illnesses are of the past.  She looks up to see me standing there and jumps up for a huge hug. A hug that's I've been longing for since she left the earth in 2002. Then she says,  "Adrian take your mom to see your Pap Pap I'll be right here when y'all get back. " So Adrian says,  "Come on Mommy," -- words that I've been longing to hear,  "Pap Pap ' s over here looking down on the Steelers game, their down by a few points so he's telling them off." I follow Adrian to my Pap Pap and he doesn't notice me until they call a time out. As he looks up his eyes catch mine,  "Bum Bum," he yells as he stands up. I rush to him and hug him so tight and tell him how crazy it was when he left us and how I knew he was upset to see how our family had been acting and wishing everyone could hear him telling them off. I finish peeking down at the game with my Pap Pap as Adrian sits in my lap. I hear a voice from behind calling my name, BRIAN! My sweet God-brother. Boy did I miss him.  When he left us in 2003 I thought 14 is wayyyyyyy to young to die and I've never seen anyone die so soon not knowing what my own future would reveal in 2013.  We talk and catch up.  I told him how I felt a little comfort knowing that Adrian had a AWESOME uncle in heaven to look after him.

After speaking with Brian, Adrian and I went back to see my Nannie. She was sitting with my Aunt who would looked after me when I was a baby... She was making Adrian some new clothes. When I was a baby she would make EVERYTHING for me by hand!!

Then I finally had time alone with Adrian.  He told me that he watched me as I cried for him and he reached out to hold my hand but I couldn't feel him because I was so upset.  He asked me if I noticed the star to the left of my house that sparkled brighter than all the rest.  He said that it was him making that star sparkle to let me know he's still with me.  He told me how proud he was of me for accomplishing my goals and even though I hit some snags along the way he knew I could do anything I put my mind to. As I started to speak he put his little finger over my lips and said,  "I know Mommy, I love you too!" At that point that hole that had been in my heart since April 21, 2013 had been filled and I could breathe again.

I don't know who will beat me home to Heaven or who will be still on Earth waiting for that ride but I know that the reunion will be beautiful when that time comes. When it's my time I'll be excited to see Heaven and all who has left the earth before me.

Update: January 8th-26th

So. A recap of the 7th since I last posted to now it a little scrambled. I decided to stop the cleanse. I felt it was to much of a dramatic change for me in my mind set. I decided to continue eating healthy but without all the rules! I hate rules! It was too stressful.

I also started the spring semester at school. I'm basically teaching myself in my A&P class because my teacher is foreign and the language barrier is huge!

And... finally I've been planning my birthday party which will be on February 1st. My actually birthday is tomorrow (January 27th. I'll be 24 years old!  It's hard to believe that last year this time I was finding out that I was pregnant with my son. Boy do I miss my angel !