I don't mourn Adrian. I know he is with God and is perfectly fine and healthy. I know he watches over us and I know he's with us in our hearts. I mourn for myself. Which is extremely selfish!
When I go somewhere and see a woman pushing a stroller or a woman with her big pregnant belly I get jealous, almost angry. And then I start to question why not me! Why couldn't I have my child!? Which isn't right! You shouldn't question God. But me being selfish I do.... I don't disbelieve that God is there for me and has my back. But when your in so much pain you can't help but ask WHY? Why my son? Why me? Why can't I see him grow? Why can't I raise him? I would of been an excellent mother!
I think about "junkies" and some teenagers that can just pop babies out like its nothing. The junkies get their babies taken away by child services and they just lay down and have another one just to not want it! Why can these women who don't care about a baby get the blessing of having them and I can't have my first child!?
I'm so sorry Lord for questioning so much..... I wish I knew what my purpose is and I wish I knew the lesson your trying to teach me or show me!
But for now I just pray for strength and guidance through this pain!
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