Update 1: Life After Infant Loss. Sticking to my Goals.

I haven't blogged in a while.... I've been trying to stay focused on getting my life back on track.

I've been having relationship issues...

I've been "dealing" with my loss and trying to cope...

There is good news though...

Because I found out I was pregnant I made the decision to look into going back to school....

Since having and losing Adrian I've been motivated to do exactly what I set out to do....

I registered for (4) classes to start... 

I hope to be in the nursing program as soon as I'm finished taking all the "other courses".. By the grace of God I received enough $$ in loans to pay for my classes and get all the supplies I need...

I also joined a church....

I consider it a family church because the Pastor was my Great-Grandmothers pastor for what seemed like forever....I've made the decision to be the best I can be for me and my future.... I want to be satisfied with myself. I no longer give responsibility to anyone else for my happiness!

Stationery Card

Joyfully Introduce Boy Birth Announcement

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I'm suffocating

Couldn't sleep at all last night. I've almost been up for 24 hours. I walked over a mile and I still have no urge to sleep. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel like I have no control over myself. I'm lost!

I hear everything everyone is telling me but then again I don't..... I understand but I can't comprehend. My heart won't let me. I'm stuck. I want to heal so badly. I know it takes time but I'm so afraid that I can't help myself.....

March for Babies: Pittsburgh 2013!

75th Anniversary March for Babies!

Comfy shoes!

 

5k!

Finish line!

Home stretch across the Clemento bridge.

My Aunt doing a "No-No" standing on the PNC stadium grass before the game tonight.

Got free Pirates Tickets for our contribution

Mommy and Daddy representing our Angel Adrian.

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I'm breaking down..

I feel extremely stuck and helpless!
Everyone keeps telling me what I "need" to do and how I "should" think of the situation but its easier said than done. I can't focus....

I feel like a elephant is sitting on my chest and I breathe. I feel like I'm being held under water with no strength to fight my way out! I'm afraid... I want control over my mind again... But how? I feel like screaming and starting a riot! Lord, please help me! Please give me the strength to get through this!!!!

I never understood why people would take the easy way out and take their own lives. Knowing what I know about spending eternity in hell I wondered why people would chose that for themselves. But after this situation and all the emotions that I hold inside I want to explode! I honesty don't know what to do . So honesty I can say I understand why! When your heart is breaking and crushed and your world doesn't make sense and you have no control of your emotions and don't understand half the time how you feel and how to deal with it all you don't think of eternity. You think of not suffering from what you feel now!

Bad Nights... GO Away!

These past few nights haven't been okay. Tuesday, May 21st there was a bad apartment building fire directly across the street from my duplex..

My boyfriend and I sat in the living room watching movies and started to smell burning. I thought someone maybe had the grill fired up cooking. I looked out of the window and the street was painted with multiple fire trucks, ambulance an police. I stepped on to the porch and saw a big black cloud of smoke and on my left side I could see a window full of flames. People stood on the side walks in tears.

I went back in the house and periodically I'd look out of the window and each time the fire had spread more. The firemen couldn't control it enough to get into the building until after midnight. I heard a girl screaming crying yelling, "what the f***!" She lost her cat and dog. If your a pet owner you understand that pets are just as much as family as a brother or sister.

All the people were out of the building but the animals passed away. I couldn't get the image out of my head.. I feel so hurt for these people who lost everything. I didn't sleep that night...

Last night was really bad for me. I couldn't help but breakdown. I feel like because its been a month since losing my baby people think I should be okay but I'm not. I have my nights where I just can't deal and honestly I can't begin to describe my feelings but I don't even know.... I hurt so badly....

"Signs From Above"

As crazy as it may sound I believe that if you sit still and quiet enough you'll see a sign that will help bring peace. I believe that there are signs everywhere.

People may say science but as I sit on the porch, candle lit, speaking to God and my son I notice one star in particular that is shining wayyyyy brighter than the others. I tell my son everyday that I love him. This particular night after praying and telling my baby that I love him this star caught my eye and I BELIEVE that it's him saying, "Mommy, I love you too."

As I said before as crazy as it may sound it brings me peace to believe that signs do come from above. Especially when you feel your weakest.

Now I cry.... Not only because I miss him but because I noticed that star I BELIEVE my baby is telling me he's here.